Eigenzeit

Einstein spoke of Eigenzeit, and even though I don't pretend to understand physics, the concept of "proper time" or "own time" has lately been my siren call. Einstein showed that there is no fixed or absolute time independent of the system to which it refers. Eigenzeit is time measured internally and locally. Time as it should be experienced, with decisions based on instincts, values and relationships rather than on calendars, budgets and lists

This is my midlife crisis blog - part of an attempt to reclaim (or perhaps claim?) my own proper time. I'm not a martyr, even though I'm descended from a long line of them. But Iived my first few decades for my parents, the next couple for my kids, and now I'm in danger of drowning the remaining time in my work.

I've been a fitful journal keeper - knowing how healthy and helpful personal writing can be, but not being able to commit. There is something embarrassingly indulgent about it, and after all, who has time for such indulgences? :) However, a personal blog is both indulgent and vain, so I'm not sure why I'm here.

My internal obsessive list-maker knows why.

1) I have frighteningly little access to my memories. I believe they must be in there. Or perhaps I just have to believe it to stay sane. But they won't be dredged up. The act of writing freezes moments in time, and I'm somehow desperate to do that. And as Samuel Johnson said, "The true art of memory is the art of attention." Perhaps writing will force me to pay attention. Mindfulness is the most elusive goal of my life.

2) I am inspired by friends and colleagues who blog their photos. My visual observational skills are pitiful, yet I am intrigued by these images. I'm related (by blood, no less) to a professional photographer, so perhaps there's hope. I intend to spend a few moments each day actually looking around me. And capturing what I see whenever I can. Lower your expectations, for this is a purely selfish exercise.

3) Even though Eigenzeit has been a footnote in my life so far, one way to bring it to the fore is to consciously reclaim my own time in small increments. Thinking, and subsequently writing, about something other than work has to be a step in the right direction.

Today's photo is of a scroll on my wall. Emblematic of the inauguration of this blog. I brought it home from Shanghai last fall. At the time I bought it, I chose it from among others based on the meaning of the Chinese characters in it. Now I can't remember what it says, only that it spoke to me at the time.